AS PRESIDENT OF THE BEST CLASS EVER, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE ROGUE ELEMENTS THAT ARE TRYING TO SUBVERT THE CLASS OF 1994. I WILL LIST A FEW: THE WACHUSETT CLASS OF 1995, AL QAEDA, JEALOUS PEOPLE, SCOTT STAPP OF THE BAND CREED, K FED, AND WAL-MART.

THE PROOF IS EVERY WHERE. ASK YOURSELF THIS, WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE A 12TH YEAR REUNION? THE ANSWER: TERRORISTS, THE CLASS OF 1995, AND K FED.

BECAUSE WE ARE THE BEST CLASS EVER, WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK. THE VERY FREEDOMS THAT WE SEEK TO PROTECT ARE BEING THREATENED EACH AND EVERY DAY BY SINISTER MILITANT GROUPS.

IT IS SICKENING. EARLIER THIS YEAR, THEY TRIED TO HACK INTO THIS WEBSITE AND SHUT US DOWN. THERE HAVE BEEN ATTACKS ON MY LIFE. THESE PEOPLE WHO CONDEMN US SILENTLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WERE SUCCESSFUL IN ELIMINATING THE RUBBER ROOM FROM THE NEW WACHUSETT HIGH SCHOOL.

THESE ARE NOT JUST RANDOM ATTACKS. THESE ARE PREMEDITATED ACTS OF VIOLENCE. MAYBE LISA CEDERBAUM OR JIMMY SAUNDERS WOULD HAVE ALLOWED OUR CLASS TO BE THREATENED LIKE THIS, BUT UNDER MY WATCH THIS WILL NOT STAND.

LAST WEEK I RAISED THE TERROR ALERT AGAINST OUR CLASS TO ORANGE. THIS IS THE HIGHEST IT HAS EVER BEEN IN OUR LIVES.

MY SECOND ACT WAS TO FIND THE MEANEST BADDEST S.O.B.’S THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI AND MOLD THEM INTO TRAINED ASSASSINS.

AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE SEARCH I FOUND THEM – RICK AND ELAINE ROBERGE – AT THE WONG DYNASTY. THEY SEEMED INNOCENT ENOUGH, BUT WHEN I LOOKED INTO THEIR EYES, I SAW THE PASSION OF A MILLION ACE OF BASE FANS.

MY JOB OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS WAS TO TURN THAT PASSION INTO CONTROLLABLE RAGE. I IMMEDIATELY SENT THEM TO HAITI TO TRAIN UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA, A HAITIAN MAN.

THE ROBERGE’S SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS LEARNING SURVIVAL SKILLS AND NINJA MOVES DEEP IN THE DEPTHS OF HAITI’S RAINFORESTS.

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN THREE WEEKS AGO AT THE END OF THE ROBERGE’S TRAINING. AS YOU CAN SEE RICK (LEFT) AND ELAINE (MIDDLE) ARE NOT JUST READY. THEY ARE WARRIORS.

MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA (ON THE RIGHT) HAS GIVEN ME HIS WORD THAT MR. AND MRS. ROBERGE ARE WORTHY COMPATRIOTS. THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE OUR CLASS IS SAFE.

THEIR WORD IS THEIR BOND.

THEY WILL NOT ONLY ACT AS CHAPERONES DURING ALL CLASS OF 1994 FUNCTIONS, BUT THEY WILL BE OUR BODYGUARDS.

OUR LIFE MAY BE IN THEIR HANDS, BUT REST EASY MY FRIENDS, THEY HAVE THE BEST HANDS, HANDS THAT ARE NOW REGISTERED WEAPONS!