Making History Since Nineteen-Nordy Four

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(ABOVE: Andrea Ajemian on the set of her newest movie “Boyband: Breakin’ Through in ’82” with actor Michael Copon. Since finishing the movie Andrea has announced she will become the official videographer of the Class of 1994)

Earlier this morning the Class of 1994 inked Andrea Ajemian to a five-year deal in the mid-six figure salary range that will lock up Ms. Ajemian as the class’ first ever videographer.

An emotional Andrea fought back tears, blowing her nose into a tissue nine times before regaining her composure and calling this the proudest moment of her life.

For Andrea, who has multiple films to her credit including the soon to be released “Boyband” as well as “Still Green” (2007) and “Rutland, USA” (2002), the move comes as a shocker.

While her strength is in narrative features, she said, “this just makes so much sense. I’ve never been associated with anything like your class, something that people consider the best ever. This will challenge my abilities like never before and tap into a creative nerve that I’ve never been able to reach.”

She will follow the achievements of our class, starting chronologically from 1989 when many of our members – from Coyle to Cocozella – were in eighth grade and undecided in where they would be heading to high school.

While the pinnacle of the documentary will be our graduation when Dr. Pandisco proclaimed us the best there ever was, there ever is and there ever will be, Andrea will continue to show how our class has maintained that status up to the present, with the goal of producing a 94 episode series documenting our rise to the top.

Andrea, who graduated in 1993 from Wachusett, admitted she was contacted by her fellow classmates, but declined what she called an insulting lowball offer to document their mediocrity.

“Plus, my class is a bunch of frauds and cheats,” she said, pointing to the time they used #3 pencils instead of the required #2 pencils on the PSAT’s in 1992 as a prime example. “The Class of ’94 would never do that. Never has your class been derelict in its duties.”

Her brother, Mark, who has repeatedly disrespected our class with his lackadaisical attitude and disgusting facial hair pulled at Andrea from a different direction. He wanted her to become the official videographer of his class – the overrated and underperforming Class of 1995.

“I just laughed in his face,” Andrea said of that request. “The Class of’95 is a lightweight in a heavyweight’s division. They want all the glory, but will make none of the sacrifices necessary to get them there.”

Andrea said the tentative title for the documentary will be: “Go. Fight. Win.”

In addition to compiling archival footage, Andrea will interview some of the class greats like Chico Vader and focus on his 1993 speech to secure the class presidency against the dirty politics of Lisa Cederbaum.

One episode will focus on the bass fishing rivalry between brothers Doug and Dave Laidlaw that was so intense it almost split the class apart if it were not for the French interventionist tactics of Nathalie Garcia.

There will be never seen before footage of Amy “The Nerks” Nerker brushing her hair in the purple hallway while Renee Roy paints her fingernails. “It really is some exciting stuff,” Andrea said.

In one emotional moment, Jouni Harjuunma sings the Swish national anthem before the start of the 1994 Volleyball Marathon. Andrea has purchased the rights to that video and will be dissecting it from the socio-political climate of the time. “Only a few years earlier the Berlin Wall had come down in Germany and here you have Jouni singing this anthem. The parallels are amazing. It is just a powerful political statement to the rest of the world,” Andrea said.

Lori Ronayne has promised to unveil the secret behind her ability to hold her breath underwater for 94 seconds while Liz (Morrison) Singh will explain the mathematical formula she discovered that proves everything is divisible by 94.

Choosing a favorite scene or moment from our past 16 years will be difficult. “When I see all that your class has accomplished I shake my head and cry,” Andrea said. “I cry because I know we will never see anything like your class again. And it is my duty to make sure that future generations learn from your excellence by making the best documentary ever.”

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(ABOVE: Chico is surrounded by members of the undefeated, 13-0, WRHS football team that won the Superbowl this season. During the two-day leadership conference Chico taught the team about what it takes to be a winner.)

Last year many expected our class to celebrate 15 years of greatness. But 2009 came and went with a whimper and without even one gathering of class members. That is when the whispers began to mount, turning into a freight train of rumors that continue to gather steam:

  1. The Class of 94 lost its edge and went soft.
  2. Cederbaum and her band of thieves were up to no good, sabotaging all efforts for a reunion.
  3. The economy finally showed a chink in The Best Class Ever’s armor and forced their hand. There was even talk that Chico had made some bad investments on behalf of our class with Bernie Madoff, losing millions of dollars that would have been spent on our reunion on things like chocolate cake and napkins.
  4. 30/30 – headed by Marsilly, Moler, Pluffe and Gorsinski – had kidnapped Chico, Bradshaw and Rettig to humiliate our class leaving us without the leadership necessary to organize a 15 year reunion.
  5. Chico had gone into hiding in the Himalayas after assassination attempts on his life increased twenty-fold.

All of this is hogwash.

The Class of 1994 is stronger than ever. And just when the doubters thought we were done we have come out on top once again.

And we are back. With a vengeance.

2010 IS THE YEAR OF 1994.

Last month Chico led off a two-day Leadership Conference with that statement stunning the pundits with his bravado.

At the conference he spoke to today’s youth, including current Wachusett students, showing them how to reach the pinnacle of success – using OUR CLASS as the model.

At the end of the conference there was a question and answer session where members of the 2009 undefeated WRHS football team that won the Superbowl against Holy Name, 34-0, pulled no punches.

They asked Chico point blank: “If your class is supposedly the best why didn’t you have a 15 year reunion this year? You guys are all talk. No action.”

Chico’s response? “We didn’t have a 15 year reunion because we are having a SWEET 16 in 2010. No one will see it coming. In effect we will hit the competition when they least expect it. And there will be no recovery. Boo Yaa.”

The crowd went nuts and the WRHS football team carried Chico 9.4 miles down Main Street in Holden chanting “94! 94! 94!”