THE BEST CLASS EVER

Making History Since Nineteen-Nordy Four

The Reunion King Speaks!

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I recently had a chance to sit down with Reunion King, David “JOOONES” Laidlaw, and talk about The Class of 1994, politics and how his life has changed since the 10th Year Reunion. The following is a brief Q & A held with JOOONES.

CHICO: So things have been pretty crazy since the reunion.

JONES: Tell me about it. It’s been non stop, dude. I’ve been flying all over the world, meeting with world leaders, chatting online with babes all day, you name it. As you know St. Ides came out with a promotional 40 oz. for me. They had my face on the bottle with my favorite saying, “Shit Hits Hard” underneath. I did some judging at some ghetto booty contests for them. That was pretty cool. I love ghetto booty. I don’t have time to think anymore. I was guest judge at the National Bass Masters Tourney on Lake Champlain. That was a major highlight. I waved the checkered flag at Loudon last month. Everywhere I go, people are asking me for autographs, pictures, it doesn’t stop. But if you ask me, would I want to do it all over again… would I do everything the same? I would have to say “Hell yeah”, Stone Cold Steve Austin style.

CHICO: There’s been talks about assasination attempts on my life. How would you react to this?

JONES: [NODDING, HOLDING BACK TEARS] I heard about this. Look, you’re a president. You’re a leader. With great power comes great responsibility. I called Doug [DAVE’S BROTHER] when I heard about the assassination attempts on your life. I told him if they were to assassinate you, if this criminal element were successful, that I would head to Holden immediately. I would take the oath of office and assume command.

CHICO: Thank you. That means a lot.

JONES: No, our class, if we are to continue to be the best class ever… well, we would need a strong leader. When my peers voted me the Reunion King, I realized that I needed to earn the right to be called a king. I had to prove myself. Now when I bleed, I bleed Wachusett green. Everyday, brother.

CHICO: That’s deep.

JONES: Here take these [JONES HANDS ME SEVERAL PAPERS]. This is a contingency plan. If these cowards are successful and they assassinate you, I am prepared. What’s the saying, yes, yes, yes… forewarned is forearmed. I have detailed plans, an outline for my first two years of office. I also have a short list for people in my cabinet. I think the biggest thing in all of this, god forbid, would be to start funding for a memorial statue of you and Fred outside of the rubber room. Man, I love that room. I mean it was all rubber. When you fell on the floor you bounced back up. It was rubber.

CHICO: Yeah, I get it.

JONES: No, no… hey let’s run some drills.

CHICO: Okay. [AT THIS POINT IN THE INTERVIEW, JONES AND I HEADED OUTSIDE. HE BROUGHT HIS CROSSBOW AND SHOWED ME HOW EASILY I COULD BE ASSASSINATED – SEE PICTURE]

JONES: I think people have to see this picture. Even though it is so bloody, so gruesome, it needs to be seen. It is harsh, but our classmates, they have to see the reality of their President, their Chico being assassinated. This is what they would do. These scums would hold your head like a piece of meat. They would have you stuffed. A taxidermist would jump at the chance to work on your body. I want my classmates to see this and remember what an English poet once wrote, “Treason doth never prosper. What’s the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason.” To all my classmates… I urge you to never forget your dying king Chico.

[JONES GETS UP AND EXITS]

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One thought on “The Reunion King Speaks!

  1. I thought my <>class of ’79<> was the best ever?

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