AS YOU CAN SEE LARRY RETTIG LIKES TO SET THE TIME ON HIS ALARM CLOCK. UNFORTUNATELY, LARRY STILL DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS DESPITE BEING A MEMBER OF THE GREATEST CLASS EVER.

LAST WEEK, HE CHANGED HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT CONSULTING THE CLASS OF 1994. THIS BLATANT ACT OF DISRESPECT HAS PUT HIM ON PROBATION FOR A YEAR. I HAD A CHANCE TO SIT DOWN WITH LARRY TO CLEAR THE AIR. BELOW IS MY INTERVIEW WITH HIM.

LARRY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS BEFORE YOU CHANGED YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER?

LOOK I MADE A MISTAKE. I THOUGHT MY MEMBERSHIP IN THE CLASS OF 1994 GRANTED ME A FREE PASS TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO. EVEN IF IT MEANT CHANGING MY CELL PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

YOU ANSWER TO ME, DUDE.

I KNOW. I KNOW. BELIEVE ME, IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. I JUST THOUGHT THAT AFTER I DESTROYED DANA GRAY IN THE 4O YARD DASH OUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL THAT I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED. NOW I KNOW, BEFORE I DO ANYTHING I NEED TO GO BEFORE THE BOARD OF APPEALS FROM THE CLASS OF 1994.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO THE CLASS WHAT THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS?

YES. THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS A LEADERSHIP COMMITTEE CONSISTING OF YOU, STEVE GROCCIA, REYO MATTHEWS, JASON TESSITORE, SHANNON BERRYHILL, TYLER BRADSHAW, AND DAVID FARABAUGH. THEY HANDLE CASES LIKE MINE. WHEN SOMEONE HAS SCREWED UP ROYALLY LIKE I DID, THE BOARD OF APPEALS BASICALLY RUNS YOUR LIFE. I CHECK IN EVERY HALF HOUR WITH REYO AND LET HIM KNOW WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM DOING.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS NECESSARY?

I LET THE CLASS DOWN. I DIDN’T ASK MY CLASSMATES WHAT THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD DO BEFORE I CHANGED MY CELL PHONE NUMBER. BUT YOU SET ME STRAIGHT. WHAT IF YOU NEEDED TO GET A HOLD OF ME FOR THE NEXT REUNION? YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD YOU MY NEW NUMBER. IT’S JUST STUPID. I WAS DRUNK.

I AM PUTTING YOU ON PROBATION.

WAIT, AM I STILL IN THE CLASS OF 1994?

FOR NOW. DON’T EVER SCREW UP AGAIN.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (BANGING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, CRYING) I SCREWED UP. I SCREWED UP. THINK NEXT TIME, LARRY! THINK. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE. THANK YOU, LORD. GOOD LORD.