On the heels of last week’s blockbuster trade in which we landed wily veteran Adam Cederbaum, several of Adam’s former classmates from the Class of ’93 have decided to jump ship and become members of The Best Class Ever.
“This bolsters our roster and adds much-needed depth to our rotation,” he said while rolling in a bed of money. “These are players who show up to work day-in and day-out and get the job done. They make us a legit threat and fortunately for us, they bring business savvy, experience and a can-do attitude to our class.”
Pirani – Sometimes called Piranha for his vicious demeanor and razor like incisors.
Because he is so tall, Pirani is expected to hang up posters at future class reunions.
Ben Cranston – A native of Sterling, Cranston was signed for his goatee. This will allow the Class of ’94 to always purchase beer and hard liquor without a driver’s license.
“People forget that facial hair is a form of identification,” Mo Cheeks said. “It says, ‘Hey. Look at me. I am over 21.”
“You can never have too many small people on your team,” Mo Cheeks said. “Sometimes with small people you never see them coming. She adds an element of surprise to our attack.”
Kristen can also fold filo dough and is best friends with a mime.
Eric Chevalier – Eric has seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy 483 times in the past three years. Two years ago he spent four successive weekends watching all three movies without sleeping or eating.
He can repeat each movie verbatim and his Bilbo Baggins impression is spot on. He has gone so far as to grow hair on his feet. This will come in handy during any lulls in future reunions.
Mike George – He has two first names which is sort of cool.
Jamie Farley – Voted one of the Top Five Bullies to ever walk the halls of Wachusett, Farley brings a level of intimidation that our class has never had before.
Farley’s expertise is in shooting spit balls, tripping people, giving noogies and Indian sun burns, putting opponents in headlocks, administering the wet willy, and stuffing people in lockers.
In this last category, Farley holds the all time state record for number of people stuffed into a locker during a career: 78.
Brandon Jolie – Known more for his calves than anything else, BJ is expected to be a force on the dance floor.
“With calves like his, he could probably dance the whole night long,” Mo Cheeks said. “And that my friend is why you have reunions – to dance.”
When BJ is not attending class functions, his calves will be on loan to the Smithsonian.
BJ can also juggle steak knives and has a subscription to Maxim magazine.