Making History Since Nineteen-Nordy Four


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Well, it tooks months to finalize, but it is official. At last night’s trading deadline, Class President Mo Cheeks pulled off one of the biggest blockbusters of all time.

Cederbaum for Cederbaum

Straight up.

That’s right. We bolstered our roster for the next year with an option to keep Adam Cederbaum for years two and three depending on his performance. In exchange, we were able to unload one of the weakest links of all time: Lisa Cederbaum.

“This was a no brainer,” Cheeks said last night from his presidential suite. “We were able to upgrade our attack for the foreseeable future. And we rid ourselves of a saboteur in our midst.”

In recent years, Cederbaum and Cheeks frequently butted heads. Their relationship could be described in one word: acrimonious.

Before pulling off the deal, Mo Cheeks listed the lowlights of Lisa’s presidential career:
  1. In 1992, she raised school lunches to the highest prices they have ever been: $1.25 (Later lowered to $.25 by Mo Cheeks).
  2. She presided over the drinking scandal of sophomore year in which 12 members of our class were caught drinking alcohol out of Coke and Pepsi cans.
  3. Against a tide of popular opinion, she tried (and failed) to change the school mascot to the “Feather Boas.”
  4. That same year she tried to change the school colors to muave and off-white. This failed as well.
  5. At 4’3″ she was the shortest president ever.
  6. During graduation she forgot to move her tassel from the right to left, drawing scorn from her classmates and nearly ruining the day.
  7. In the beginning of 1993, our senior year, she demanded that our class lockers be moved to the dungeon for nostalgia’s sake. Luckily, no one liked nostalgia.
  8. In the St. John’s-Wachusett soccer game of 1992, she was seen standing on the St. John’s side. When confronted, she claimed ignorance, but there were whispers that she was secretly exchanging secrets with the enemy.
  9. At the 10th Year Reunion, she showed up late and left early. No explanation was ever given.
  10. She cheated during the 24-hour volleyball marathon for three successive years, staying up only 11 hours and then sleeping the remainder of the time.

When seeing this list, her brother Adam Cederbaum could only shake his head in disgust. “This is disgusting,” he said bluntly.

Initially, Adam broached the idea of a trade at this year’s unofficial Class of ’93 Reunion in which Mo Cheeks was the Guest of Honor and Featured Speaker.

Adam had had enough of his sister’s antics and said he wanted to be traded to a proven winner. After a lengthy discussion, he and Mo Cheeks came to a verbal agreement, followed up by a handshake and a wink and nod.

Amidst tears, Adam grabbed the microphone and in an impromptu speech bid farewell to his now-former classmates.

While the Class of ’94 and Adam had made an oral commitment to each other, the deal took months to complete because of paperwork, contract restructuring, and league rules.

“At one point, it didn’t look like the deal was going to get done,” Mo Cheeks said. “The Class of ’93 wanted too much.”

Yet, through some shrewd negotiations, Mo Cheeks was able to pull off what many are calling one of the greatest deals ever.

Adam was confident that he will be able to step into the starting line up and produce immediately. “My career stats speak for themselves,” he said while sharing a victory cigar with Mo Cheeks. “I am committed to two things: clearing the Cederbaum name and ensuring the Class of ’94 stays on top, always and forever.”

Amen to that!

One thought on “CEDERBAUM TRADED!

  1. Seriously, cheeks. To me, this appears to be an attempt to banish the only real contender to undermine your authority. Adam is, without a doubt, a true gentlemen, scholar, athlete and credit to Wachusett, not just his class, but he doesn’t have what it takes to be a member of this class. Let’s just say that he wasn’t born properly. Lisa’s birthright entitles her to be a member of the class and regardless of how jealous you are or how threatened you feel by her talent and achievements, you cannot undo it. “Keep your friends close…Keep your enemies closer.”

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