Making History Since Nineteen-Nordy Four


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Over the past month, our office has fielded close to 8,000 phone calls from classmates and felllow alumni asking for advice on what to do with their stimulus checks from the IRS.

Some of you may have already received those checks and many more will be receiving those in the mail shortly.

After much deliberation and weeks of research, Class Economist and Vice President Tyler Bradshaw said there is only one choice: DONATE YOUR STIMULUS PAYMENTS TO THE CLASS OF ’94.

“Our nation’s economy is in a downslide,” Bradshaw said. “I don’t want to call it a recession yet, but we are definitely in a boom cycle.”

Bradshaw then pulled out a bunch of graphs with lines pointing in different directions. “I don’t know what the hell these graphs means, but it’s scary,” he said.

Last week, Bradshaw headed to Wall Street to talk with financial leaders and Federal Reserve chairman, Ben Bernanke, to see how our class might be able to turn the economy around.

Their answer? “As the Class of ’94 goes, so goes the world’s finances,” Bradshaw said.

Case in point, he said, is last month’s cruel April Fools joke in which Mo Cheeks pretended that he was resigning. Bradshaw studied the impact of that joke on the stock market and world politics. Here is what he found:

  1. Gold spiked at its highest price ever of $1,200 an ounce
  2. Oil hit record highs of $130 a barrel
  3. Steel peaked at $1,000 a ton
  4. The dollar hit record lows compared to the euro, which reached $1.75
  5. Gas prices hovered around $4 a gallon
  6. Dr. Pandiscio placed a moratorium on all class reunions until further notice
  7. Pandemonium hit the streets in Holden, downtown Clinton, Northern Sterling and Somalia as rioters demanded the Rubber Room be saved

Economists termed that day one of the grimmest in history. Mo Cheeks’ announcement that his statement was all a hoax, Bradshaw said, served to stabilize the market.

But a lesson had been learned. Bradshaw said this is an indicator of how much our class influences not only the local economy, but state, federal and international markets. “This is what I went to college for,” he said. “My degree in economics might as well have been a degree in Class of ’94-enomics because everything our class does has a trickle down effect.”

That is why Bradshaw headed down to Manhattan last week. “I knew I had to go to Wall Street to bridge the gap between our class, special interest groups, lobbyists, and the financial sector,” he said.

From that meeting, Bradshaw was given one directive: stimulus payments should go to our class, immediately if not sooner.

“This isn’t coming from me,” he said. “This is a directive coming down from our chief executive.”

The benefits will be widespread. “Our economy will rebound and we will have a lot of money to throw a kick [expletive] 15th year reunion with wine and cheese,” he said.

Some other benefits he mentioned are a mariachi band, an inflatable bouncy jump, a dunk tank, a fruit platter, prosthetic hands, balloons and donkey rides. “If that stuff doesn’t help the economy, I don’t know what will,” Bradshaw said.

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