Last weekend Class President Chico Vader flew up to Maine to have a heart-to-heart with Nate Wood, the angriest person in our high school class, after reports that Wood had run over 37 squirrels in a fit of rage.
“Why are you so angry?” Chico asked Nate.
Nate replied that he had only been mentioned once on our class blog while Forty has been mentioned 17 times.
“That’s BS, dude,” Wood said. “I made this class.”
Wood talked about how much the Class of 94 meant to him. “That’s all I think about,” he said. “All day. Every day.”
One of Wood’s favorite moments – not only in the Class of 94’s history, but in his own life – is when he scored backstage tickets to Nightmare Alley’s Concert to Save the Rubber Room in 1992. “I got my ticket signed by every member of Nightmare Alley,” Wood said, listing Prucnal as his favorite drummer in the world. “He’s hands down better than anyone in Metallica or whatever band the kids are listening to today.”
Wood pulled out that exact concert ticket – laminated, of course – from his wallet that was autographed by Jeff Carbonneau, Prucnal and Nightmare Alley frontman Ara Asadoorian. “I’d never sell this for all the money in the world,” he said.
At that point Chico grabbed $75,000 in cold hard cash and flashed it in front of Wood’s face, making him an offer for the autographed ticket. Chico said he wanted to put the ticket in the Class of 94 Hall of Fame along with Fred, the greatest book bag ever, and a kivver caught by Dave Laidlaw from Bailey Pond.
“Get that money out of my face,” Wood yelled, before he stormed off and started throwing rocks at bullfrogs near a man-made pond in his backyard. He then grabbed a semi-automatic pistol and began shooting it at a nearby tree. When he ran out of bullets Nate threw the gun at the tree before running into it headfirst and knocking himself unconscious.
A neighbor said this type of behavior is not unusual and that Nate is the angriest person on the street. In 2008 Beth Woodcome voted Nate Wood the angriest person she knows and as a result refused to dance with him at the Sweet 16 Reunion.
“He just has this scowl that makes you scared for your own safety,” Woodcome said.
Others agreed, especially Larry Rettig, who at one time used to be the angriest person in our class. “Nate took that title from me fair and square,” Larry said. “Dude is angry beyond belief. He called me cursing and muttering under his breath about the lack of respect he’s gotten from our class blog.”
Larry was unsure whether Wood deserved any respect. “I don’t think Nate ever paid his class dues. Plus, he voted for Cederbaum,” Rettig said.
When Nate finally woke up he drank a five-gallon bottle of moonshine and lit his Volkswagen Jetta on fire. “You want to see angry?” he asked as Chico ran for cover. “I’ll show you angry.”
Wood promised to bring down this blog if our class does not honor him. He then took a hammer and began smashing all the windows in his house as he repeatedly yelled, “There’s more where this came from!”
Class president Chico Vader had no comment when asked how he would respond to Wood’s threats. But Class of 94 advisor Dave Laidlaw said Wood’s threats are as empty as a Class of 1995 high school reunion. “Wood is all talk. He’s a paper champion. I’m the real deal,” Laidlaw said, pointing to the tattoo of a Wachusett Mountaineer on his leg as proof. “I got this the day we graduated: June 8, 1994. Always and forever, brother man.”