Larry Rettig will be appearing on the new FOX game show, “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”, on Thursday night at 9 PM.

As you know Larry is currently on probation for lying and cheating to our class. He told so many lies that our class had to severely punish him.

If Larry wins a lot of money on Thursday he will be off probation. Also, he must donate half of his winnings to the Class of 1994. That money will be used to cryogenically freeze Chico’s bag “Fred.”

In addition, Larry must thank our class on national television for making him who he is. Without us he would be nothing or he would probably be dumber than a fifth grader.

Eric Stuart received word that the Class of 1992 and the Class of 1993 are holding reunions this year. He has offered to cater the events free of charge. What’s he serving?

KNUCKLE SANDWICHES!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THOSE CLASSES WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS OURS. IF THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR THEM, THEY WILL HEED THIS WARNING: GIVE IN NOW! THEY CAN EITHER JOIN OUR CLASS OR THEY WILL BE DEFEATED!

Yesterday was the most important day of the year for all of us: President’s Day. Did you thank your Class President for all he has done?

For anyone in our class who does not already know Jamie Hewson’s sister, Katie Hewson, passed away last week. She was only 27-years-old.

Here is a copy of the obituary which ran in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with information on the memorial services.

STERLING— Kathleen “Katie” E. Hewson, 27, of 1 Lucas Road, died Wednesday, February 7, 2007, of injuries sustained from an accident in St. John, Virgin Islands. She leaves her mother, Denise A. (Drechsel) Hewson of Sterling; her brother, Jeffrey and his wife Anna Hewson of Worcester; her sister, Jaime and her husband Nate Wood of Hudson, New Hampshire; a paternal grandfather, Charles R. Hewson, Sr. of Jefferson, Maine; two beloved nephews, Peter and Nicholas Hewson; and many aunts, uncles and cousins. Her father, Charles R. Hewson predeceased her. She was born in Worcester and lived her life in Sterling, Orlando, Boston, Cape Cod and St John. Katie graduated from Wachusett Regional High School in 1997, attended the University of Central Florida in Orlando and graduated from Northeastern University with a Bachelor’s Degree in International Business. She traveled extensively abroad and enjoyed music, photography, crew, running and scuba diving. She possessed a love of life that was contagious and an amazing sense of humor that will be missed by all that knew her. Her personality brightened any room she walked into. Relatives and friends are invited to attend calling hours from 5 to 8 p.m. on Friday, February 16 in the Miles-Sterling Funeral Home, 100 Worcester Road, Sterling. A memorial service and celebration of her life will be held at 11 a.m. on Saturday, February 17, at The First Church in Sterling, 6 Meeting House Hill Road, Sterling. Burial will be private in Jefferson, Maine. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the American Red Cross of Central Massachusetts, The Remillard Building, 2000 Century Drive, Worcester, MA 01606, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure, 5005 LBJ Fwy., Ste. 250, Dallas TX 75244, or the American Heart Association, 20 Speen Street, Framingham, MA 01701 www.milesfuneralhome.com

Calling Hours: 2/16/07 from 5-8 p.m.in the funeral home
Date of Funeral: 02/17/07
Funeral Home: Miles-Sterling Funeral Home 100 Worcester Road, Sterling
Location: The First Church in Sterling, 6 Meeting House Hill Road, Sterling
Time:11 a.m.

AS PRESIDENT OF THE BEST CLASS EVER, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE ROGUE ELEMENTS THAT ARE TRYING TO SUBVERT THE CLASS OF 1994. I WILL LIST A FEW: THE WACHUSETT CLASS OF 1995, AL QAEDA, JEALOUS PEOPLE, SCOTT STAPP OF THE BAND CREED, K FED, AND WAL-MART.

THE PROOF IS EVERY WHERE. ASK YOURSELF THIS, WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE A 12TH YEAR REUNION? THE ANSWER: TERRORISTS, THE CLASS OF 1995, AND K FED.

BECAUSE WE ARE THE BEST CLASS EVER, WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK. THE VERY FREEDOMS THAT WE SEEK TO PROTECT ARE BEING THREATENED EACH AND EVERY DAY BY SINISTER MILITANT GROUPS.

IT IS SICKENING. EARLIER THIS YEAR, THEY TRIED TO HACK INTO THIS WEBSITE AND SHUT US DOWN. THERE HAVE BEEN ATTACKS ON MY LIFE. THESE PEOPLE WHO CONDEMN US SILENTLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WERE SUCCESSFUL IN ELIMINATING THE RUBBER ROOM FROM THE NEW WACHUSETT HIGH SCHOOL.

THESE ARE NOT JUST RANDOM ATTACKS. THESE ARE PREMEDITATED ACTS OF VIOLENCE. MAYBE LISA CEDERBAUM OR JIMMY SAUNDERS WOULD HAVE ALLOWED OUR CLASS TO BE THREATENED LIKE THIS, BUT UNDER MY WATCH THIS WILL NOT STAND.

LAST WEEK I RAISED THE TERROR ALERT AGAINST OUR CLASS TO ORANGE. THIS IS THE HIGHEST IT HAS EVER BEEN IN OUR LIVES.

MY SECOND ACT WAS TO FIND THE MEANEST BADDEST S.O.B.’S THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI AND MOLD THEM INTO TRAINED ASSASSINS.

AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE SEARCH I FOUND THEM – RICK AND ELAINE ROBERGE – AT THE WONG DYNASTY. THEY SEEMED INNOCENT ENOUGH, BUT WHEN I LOOKED INTO THEIR EYES, I SAW THE PASSION OF A MILLION ACE OF BASE FANS.

MY JOB OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS WAS TO TURN THAT PASSION INTO CONTROLLABLE RAGE. I IMMEDIATELY SENT THEM TO HAITI TO TRAIN UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA, A HAITIAN MAN.

THE ROBERGE’S SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS LEARNING SURVIVAL SKILLS AND NINJA MOVES DEEP IN THE DEPTHS OF HAITI’S RAINFORESTS.

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN THREE WEEKS AGO AT THE END OF THE ROBERGE’S TRAINING. AS YOU CAN SEE RICK (LEFT) AND ELAINE (MIDDLE) ARE NOT JUST READY. THEY ARE WARRIORS.

MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA (ON THE RIGHT) HAS GIVEN ME HIS WORD THAT MR. AND MRS. ROBERGE ARE WORTHY COMPATRIOTS. THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE OUR CLASS IS SAFE.

THEIR WORD IS THEIR BOND.

THEY WILL NOT ONLY ACT AS CHAPERONES DURING ALL CLASS OF 1994 FUNCTIONS, BUT THEY WILL BE OUR BODYGUARDS.

OUR LIFE MAY BE IN THEIR HANDS, BUT REST EASY MY FRIENDS, THEY HAVE THE BEST HANDS, HANDS THAT ARE NOW REGISTERED WEAPONS!

AS YOU CAN SEE LARRY RETTIG LIKES TO SET THE TIME ON HIS ALARM CLOCK. UNFORTUNATELY, LARRY STILL DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS DESPITE BEING A MEMBER OF THE GREATEST CLASS EVER.

LARRY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS BEFORE YOU CHANGED YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER?

LOOK I MADE A MISTAKE. I THOUGHT MY MEMBERSHIP IN THE CLASS OF 1994 GRANTED ME A FREE PASS TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO. EVEN IF IT MEANT CHANGING MY CELL PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

YOU ANSWER TO ME, DUDE.

I KNOW. I KNOW. BELIEVE ME, IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. I JUST THOUGHT THAT AFTER I DESTROYED DANA GRAY IN THE 4O YARD DASH OUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL THAT I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED. NOW I KNOW, BEFORE I DO ANYTHING I NEED TO GO BEFORE THE BOARD OF APPEALS FROM THE CLASS OF 1994.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO THE CLASS WHAT THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS?

YES. THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS A LEADERSHIP COMMITTEE CONSISTING OF YOU, STEVE GROCCIA, REYO MATTHEWS, JASON TESSITORE, SHANNON BERRYHILL, TYLER BRADSHAW, AND DAVID FARABAUGH. THEY HANDLE CASES LIKE MINE. WHEN SOMEONE HAS SCREWED UP ROYALLY LIKE I DID, THE BOARD OF APPEALS BASICALLY RUNS YOUR LIFE. I CHECK IN EVERY HALF HOUR WITH REYO AND LET HIM KNOW WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM DOING.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS NECESSARY?

I LET THE CLASS DOWN. I DIDN’T ASK MY CLASSMATES WHAT THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD DO BEFORE I CHANGED MY CELL PHONE NUMBER. BUT YOU SET ME STRAIGHT. WHAT IF YOU NEEDED TO GET A HOLD OF ME FOR THE NEXT REUNION? YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD YOU MY NEW NUMBER. IT’S JUST STUPID. I WAS DRUNK.

I AM PUTTING YOU ON PROBATION.

WAIT, AM I STILL IN THE CLASS OF 1994?

FOR NOW. DON’T EVER SCREW UP AGAIN.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (BANGING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, CRYING) I SCREWED UP. I SCREWED UP. THINK NEXT TIME, LARRY! THINK. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE. THANK YOU, LORD. GOOD LORD.

GOOD NEWS DEAR FRIENDS!!

WE HAVE JUST SIGNED GEORGE KAZARIAN – YES, MY BROTHER – TO A LONG TERM CONTRACT!! THE WACHUSETT CLASS OF 1989 HAS JUST BEEN DECIMATED. NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER! THE CLASS OF 1989 LEARNED THE HARD WAY: IF YOU RUN WITH THE BULLS, YOU’LL GET THE HORNS.

WHY ANNOUNCE THIS SIGNING NOW? WELL, INITIALLY, LIKE MANY OF YOU, I DID NOT THINK GEORGE WAS A LEGITIMATE ENOUGH THREAT TO BE A MEMBER OF OUR CLASS, BUT WHEN HE CALLED ME LATE LAST NIGHT AND SAID THAT HE WANTED TO FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE, I KNEW HE WAS SERIOUS!!

IF ANYONE QUESTIONS HIS LOYALTY, JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HIM WITH THE PUBLIC ENEMY POSTER. IT’S OBVIOUS THAT GEORGE IS DEDICATED TO SHUTTING ‘EM DOWN!

TWO KAZARIANS ARE INDEED BETTER THAN ONE!! BROTHERS GONNA WORK IT OUT!!!

WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME, GEORGE!

Jesse Fissette with his 15 year old son, Jesse Jr., the newest member of our class. The future looks very bright.

A lot of people have been asking me, how is Nobile? Has he changed? Where is he at? As you know he was not able to make it to the reunion, but he’s still a major contributor to our class. On any given night he can go off like Lebron James and carry our class to the promised land.

And despite his game changing capabilities, he has not let the success go to his head. I had a chance to talk with him about the future of our class and got a picture of him before I left. Ain’t nothing changed. He’s the same old Nobile that he ever was. You don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. A picture says 1,000 words and this one is saying that Nobile is still on top.

T-Money Trevor Johnson wants all the ladies to kiss the cook this holiday season!! T-Money Trevor Johnson wanted to wish everyone in our class a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…. everyone except T-Money Tyler Bradshaw.

Trevor wants everyone to know that he is the real T-Money and wants to prove it at the next reunion. He has challenged Tyler Bradshaw to a nickname match in the squared circle. Trevor Johnson said the only turkey he knows is Tyler Bradshaw!