Over the past month, our office has fielded close to 8,000 phone calls from classmates and felllow alumni asking for advice on what to do with their stimulus checks from the IRS.

Some of you may have already received those checks and many more will be receiving those in the mail shortly.

After much deliberation and weeks of research, Class Economist and Vice President Tyler Bradshaw said there is only one choice: DONATE YOUR STIMULUS PAYMENTS TO THE CLASS OF ’94.

“Our nation’s economy is in a downslide,” Bradshaw said. “I don’t want to call it a recession yet, but we are definitely in a boom cycle.”

Bradshaw then pulled out a bunch of graphs with lines pointing in different directions. “I don’t know what the hell these graphs means, but it’s scary,” he said.

Last week, Bradshaw headed to Wall Street to talk with financial leaders and Federal Reserve chairman, Ben Bernanke, to see how our class might be able to turn the economy around.

Their answer? “As the Class of ’94 goes, so goes the world’s finances,” Bradshaw said.

Case in point, he said, is last month’s cruel April Fools joke in which Mo Cheeks pretended that he was resigning. Bradshaw studied the impact of that joke on the stock market and world politics. Here is what he found:

1. Gold spiked at its highest price ever of $1,200 an ounce
2. Oil hit record highs of $130 a barrel
3. Steel peaked at $1,000 a ton
4. The dollar hit record lows compared to the euro, which reached $1.75
5. Gas prices hovered around $4 a gallon
6. Dr. Pandiscio placed a moratorium on all class reunions until further notice
7. Pandemonium hit the streets in Holden, downtown Clinton, Northern Sterling and Somalia as rioters demanded the Rubber Room be saved

Economists termed that day one of the grimmest in history. Mo Cheeks’ announcement that his statement was all a hoax, Bradshaw said, served to stabilize the market.

But a lesson had been learned. Bradshaw said this is an indicator of how much our class influences not only the local economy, but state, federal and international markets. “This is what I went to college for,” he said. “My degree in economics might as well have been a degree in Class of ’94-enomics because everything our class does has a trickle down effect.”

That is why Bradshaw headed down to Manhattan last week. “I knew I had to go to Wall Street to bridge the gap between our class, special interest groups, lobbyists, and the financial sector,” he said.

From that meeting, Bradshaw was given one directive: stimulus payments should go to our class, immediately if not sooner.

“This isn’t coming from me,” he said. “This is a directive coming down from our chief executive.”

The benefits will be widespread. “Our economy will rebound and we will have a lot of money to throw a kick [expletive] 15th year reunion with wine and cheese,” he said.

Some other benefits he mentioned are a mariachi band, an inflatable bouncy jump, a dunk tank, a fruit platter, prosthetic hands, balloons and donkey rides. “If that stuff doesn’t help the economy, I don’t know what will,” Bradshaw said.

Class President Mo Cheeks has done it again!!! He has pulled off the unthinkable.

In the greatest prank in the history of April Fools Day pranks, he was able to convince all the other classes that he had resigned as Class President yesterday afternoon.

All but one class (THE CLASS OF ’94) bit on the news that he had retired.

“My phone was ringing off the hook,” Vice President Tyler Bradshaw, who was in on the joke, said. “You name it, they were calling. Presidents from the Classes of ’59, ’63, ’67, ’69, ’72, ’86, ’93…. the list goes on and on ’till the break of dawn. They all were trying to pull off trades to get our top performers and ransack our class. It was what I term a wholesale looting. They viewed his resignation as an opportunity to bring us down.”

Unfortunately for them, Mo Cheeks was still in power and he has promised to hand down repercussions to those that are found guilty in the forms of fines, suspensions and tough talk.

“But, that is all a matter for another day,” Mo Cheeks said. “Now is time to celebrate the fact that we were able to pull off one of the most amazing April Fools day pranks ever.”

And that – celebrating – is what class members were doing as of press time. Here is a smattering of opinions from top leaders in our class:

• “This is the greatest achievement of any class in Wachusett history.” – Historian and WRHS Superintendent Dr. Pandiscio (ex-officio member of the Class of ’94)
• “This is why I joined the Best Class Ever.” – Mark Pirani
• “People are rioting in the streets. This is bigger than when WRHS football won states.” – Adam Porcaro
• “Shotgun go Boo-Yaa.” – Beth Woodcome
• “The jam has just been pumped.” – Steve Coyle
• “If you were to ask me what I wanted more, $1 million or for Mo Cheeks to successfully pull off this prank, I would choose the latter because that means our class is still on top.” – Dan Quist
• “When I was a sophomore, my April Fools Day joke was to put chalk in an eraser in my English class. This trumps that tenfold maybe even elevenfold.” – Sam Pulda
• “I wish every day was April Fools day, but instead it should be called Class of ’94 Day because we deserve our own holiday.” – Jay Hooten
• “On June 7, 1993, I cast my vote for Mo Cheeks to be our senior class president. Today, that vote has paid off in spades.” – Mark Palmer

In a stunning turn of events, President Mo Cheeks announced his resignation earlier today.

His announcement comes as a shocker to many. Experts are predicting that this could lead to the downfall of The Best Class Ever.

Class officers were scrambling to respond to this crisis as best they could. Mo Cheeks’ best friend and Vice-President Tyler Bradshaw was sworn in as Class President late this evening in the small caf. “I have dreamt of the presidency for so long, but not like this. Not like this,” Bradshaw said as he fought back tears.

Through the sea of turmoil, Bradshaw urged calm.

Following his inauguration, he met with Dr. Pandiscio to chart the best course of action over the next few weeks for his fellow classmates. Dr. Pandiscio admitted that if the Class of ’94 were to collapse, the ripples would be felt throughout the district. “It would be nothing short of a disaster,” he said. “WRHS, as we know it, would be no longer.”

In recent months, friends of Mo Cheeks had begun to notice a change in their leader.

Dana Gray attributed it to seeing his ex-girlfriend, Leigh Ann “Lee-Hun” Steele, run off with another man two years ago. “I think it was Shakespeare who said, ‘The courses of true love never did run smooth,” Dana said. “Mo Cheeks never fully recovered from the loss of Lee-Hun. It affected his life, but more importantly it affected his presidency.”

Since then the Class of ’94 has been in a state of chaos.

• * Rumors of a steroid scandal have threatened to unwravel the class.
• * There has been talk that the 15 Year Reunion will not be held.
• * And the Spygate controversy – allegations that Mo Cheeks illegally filmed the Class of 93’s high school graduation – surfaced, threatening to tarnish The Best Class Ever’s reputation.

While some blame love, conspiracy theorists like Sam Flaherty lay the blame elsewhere: LISA CEDERBAUM. He was poring over photographic evidence that shows Cederbaum and Mo Cheeks in a heated conversation in a NYC bar last month.

“What were they talking about?” Flaherty asked. “Why would Mo Cheeks ever be seen in public with Lisa Cederbaum? These are questions that need to be asked.”

He took it one step further claiming that Cederbaum was attempting to bribe his class president. Following Mo Cheeks’ historic trade of Lisa Cederbaum, allegations surfaced that she had a videotape of the 1993 WRHS graduation.

Thus far, Cederbaum has come forward with no videotape. If such a tape does exist, Flaherty said, it would jeopardize the integrity of the class. He was confident, however, that Mo Cheeks would never compromise the class in such a manner.

“Newspapers made a damaging allegation about the so-called Spygate affair,” Flaherty said. “I believe it’s something that never happened. If so, why wouldn’t – months after she’s been traded – anything have come out? But we live in a society where people can make any kind of allegations. It has to be substantiated.”

Through it all Brant Harmon called for unity. Tonight he will be hosting a peace vigil for his former leader. “In our time of need, we need each other,” Brant said.

Brant is also discussing the possibility of forming a Mo Cheeks Support Group – a coalition of concerned classmates who are having difficulty dealing with the reality that Mo Cheeks has resigned. “I never thought it would be this tough,” Brant said. “I hope I can get through this a stronger man.”

Three weeks after Katie Hewson’s benefit, everyone is still talking about how awesome the Class of ’94 is.

That is a given, but what happened on November 2, 2007 will be remembered for ages to come.

While the night was a success, the Class of ’94 totally stole the show.

Of the 389 people who showed up, 70% were from our class. The stats from the benefit speak for themselves.

83% of all silent auction items went to our class, with Dave “Forty” Farabaugh securing 77% of those items including:

1. A slow cooker and matching crockpot
2. A Calvin Schiraldi autographed bat
3. A summer pass to Lake Washacum in Sterling
4. A free round of golf with Class President Mo Cheeks, Superintendent Dr. Thomas Pandiscio, and Lunch Monitor Miss Mungent at Holden Hills
5. A trip to the Sterling Petting Zoo
6. A horse and carriage ride around the center of Paxton
7. A framed photo of the new WRHS football field (shown above)
8. An autographed framed photo of Tyler T$ Bradshaw intercepting a pass against Fitchburg High School our senior year (shown above)
9. A handshake from his Senior Class President ($375 value)
10. And finally, the respect of his peers (priceless).

Truly, he was the big winner. As his newest classmate, Mark “Big Time” Pirani, said, “A victory for Forty is a victory for the Class of ’94.”

Pirani himself was the lucky winner of a Wachusett Class of ’94 Beer Koozie. “Unlike other koozies, this koozie does the job time and time again,” Pirani said as he pounded a Wachusett Ale.

After the night was over, Forty only had great things to say about our class. “I don’t even had a job right now, but I felt it was my obligation to win all these items for our class,” he said. “I took out a loan from Mark Roberge, our class entrepreneur, who secured funding from venture capitalists who realized this was a smart investment.”

Roberge agreed. He explained that any time you invest in the Class of ’94, the return is ten-fold. By contrast more conservative investments, like government bonds, only offer a five-fold return on investments. “Would you rather make ten-fold or five-fold?” Roberge asked sarcastically.

Forty said his strategy was simple. He boxed out, made sure he had inside position, and used his downfield speed to submit 23 successful silent auction bids. Another strategy: “Simply write your initial. I wrote “F” for Forty so I wouldn’t be bogged down by writing my name,” he said.

Forty’s 23 items and 77 percent success rate is not only a record for our class, but a record for silent auctions in the United States. As many of you know, silent auctions are not held in foreign countries, but this will soon change.

“I am heading to Europe next month to speak with the E.U. about possibly implementing silent auctions everywhere, especially class reunions,” he said.

How will he do this? “I am going to be wearing my Class of ’94 senior ring and senior class lettermen’s jacket,” he said. “When I get up to speak, I am only going to say one thing: LET’S GO GREENIE. They won’t know what hit them.”

He will be accompanied by Mark Pirani who was stunned by this honor. “I am speechless,” he said. “The Class of ’94 is a way of life. Forty proved that with his silent auction victory three weeks ago. He sacrificed his financial future for us, spending thousands of dollars he did not have and going into debt for us. But he knows, like all of us, that we are always indebted to the Class of ’94.”

For anyone interested there is still time to RSVP to the fundraiser in memory of Katie Hewson who passed away earlier this year at the age of 27.

It is being held this Friday (November 2nd) at the Crowne Plaza Hotel, 10 Lincoln Street, Worcester at 8 PM. Admission is $25 in advance or $30 at the door. There will be hors d’ouevres, a cash bar, dancing and a silent auction.

Those that can can’t go can still send a check made out to the “Katie Hewson Memorial Fund” which can be sent to: Rebecca Almont, 126 Brook Street, Brighton, MA 02135 OR to Stacey Szeidler, 66 Mast Road #2, Lee, NH 03861.

If anyone has any questions about the scholarship, please contact Jaime Hewson Wood at woojai@gmail.com. If there any questions about or if you’d like to donate something to the silent auction, please contact Laurie Gillis at lgillis@hhcc.com.

Here is a link to the evite (please feel free to pass this on to anyone who you think might be interested – even if they didn’t know Katie, this is a great cause and a way to remember and honor someone who truly loved life.)

www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?event=WMIYJHKERNUXZTYKMWAE

If you have time, please read the article about Katie below that was published in last week’s (October 18) edition of The Landmark.

Celebrating Katie’s life of love, laughter
BY JIM KEOGH EDITOR@THELANDMARK.COM

STERLING – Fifteen years ago, Katie Hewson’s grandmother Kay Drechsel passed away. For many years, Kay had kept a journal detailing her family’s daily activities, and the day after her death Katie opened the book with strawberries and daisies on the cover, writing the following under her grandmother’s last entry: “August 13, 1992. Graney passed away. I’m now the record book keeper & writer.”

Thirteen-year-old Katie describes her best memories of her grandmother, and how she loved to make her Graney laugh. “I’ll always miss her, but she’ll always be in my heart. I would just like to say I love you, Graney, and I will always be proud to have you as my grandmother.”

Flash forward. A spiral-bound booklet is delivered to Katie’s mother, Dee Hewson. The artwork on the cover depicts an empty hammock strung between two palm trees with an ocean view. The simple lined pages inside also are decorated with palm trees at the corners, and the lines are filled with remembrances. This time, the heartfelt thoughts are not penned by Katie, but instead are about her. This passage is typical:

“Your glorious wholesome child will be hugely missed. Her contribution to all that is decent and loving to St. John and mankind is a testimony to how you raised her, and to the universal spirit that spawned us all.”

On February 7, 2007, Katie Hewson, 27, a Sterling kid, Wachusett grad and the connective tissue to an enviable network of friends and family, was killed on St. John in the Virgin Islands in a freak accident. Her “universal spirit” will be recalled and honored at a November 2 cocktail event/silent auction to raise money for scholarships that will go to Wachusett Regional High School students interested in foreign travel and study.

Katie loved life, says her older sister Jamie. She had a big heart, with a special fondness for children and the elderly. When Katie attended the University of Central Florida, she volunteered in the Meals on Wheels program, growing so close to her clients she made certain to have her photo taken with each of them before she returned home to finish her studies at Northeastern University. (She referred to them as her “Bun Buns,” a term of affection she also used for the children she babysat.)

“She was gregarious; she made people laugh,” Jamie says. “Katie had a great sense of humor, and she wasn’t afraid to make a goof of herself. When she walked into a room, she made her presence known, and people were excited to see her.”

Katie was intrigued by the world beyond her hometown. She studied international business, meeting students from Europe and Haiti. She traveled to South Africa to work in orphanages with AIDS babies, and when she graduated she landed a job in Boston for a company that supplied technical support outsourcing in Northern Ireland for U.S. firms. Trips to Wales, Scotland, England and Ireland gave her a deeper world view.

Katie enjoyed the job, but it kept her desk-bound and she grew restless. In January 2006, after a year and a half, she quit and went to live on St. John in the Virgin Islands, where she tended bar and quickly became a fixture in her Coral Bay neighborhood.

“She was trying to figure out what she was going to do,” says her mother.

Katie stayed on the island until June 2006, but bad news brought her home. Her father, Charlie, was dying of Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and was spending his final days at the family summer house in Jefferson, Maine on the shores of Damariscotta Lake. Charlie, who’d been divorced from Dee for several years, had beaten cancer 11 years earlier. But after receiving treatments in Florida in recent months, he learned his condition was terminal.

Charlie adored his three children – son Jeff, Jamie and Katie – and they him, says Dee. In those final weeks in Maine, Katie took charge of caring for her dad right up until his death in late August.

Katie stuck close to home before returning to St. John in November. Her father’s death had hit her hard, and returning to the island’s sunny beauty and easy ways were like a balm. She was also considering a new career, says Jamie, perhaps something in the field of health and nutrition. Katie had talked about returning to school and was eyeing Portsmouth, N.H. as a place to relocate.

“There was never a definite plan with Katie but still, she was also well grounded,” says her sister.

On the night of February 7, 2007, at about 7 p.m., Katie was preparing to head out for the evening. She drove her car from the house where she rented an apartment, opened the gate at the end of the driveway, and parked her car on the inclined road just beyond it.

As Katie got out to close the gate, the car began to roll backwards. A neighbor would later say he saw Katie trying to hold back the car, but the vehicle had too much weight and momentum. It rumbled into the driveway, pinning Katie between the vehicle and her landlord’s parked car, the impact crushing her lungs.

Neighbors ran to her aid as Katie managed to stand. “Are you hurt?” they asked. “Yes,” she said, “badly.” Then she collapsed.

A 911 call was made, but it was too late. Katie died enroute to the hospital.

Her funeral at First Church in Sterling was fashioned around Katie’s go-for-broke personality, with a dose of irreverence and out-of-the-box touches. The music was culled from her voluminous CD collection (the Israel Kamakawiwo’ole version of “Over the Rainbow” concluded the ceremony), and friends offered treasured memories. One read a poem Katie had written while a student at Wachusett, an ode in praise of the gummy candy “Swedish Fish.” It was her father’s favorite poem; the original was found among his papers after he died.

Capture her spirit

The scholarship fund was the result of much discussion about how best to celebrate Katie’s life. It was decided that helping kids see the world captured perfectly the spirit of a young woman who loved her home, yet longed to explore the globe. Substantial contributions have already been made, including $1,500 from friends and neighbors of Katie’s on St. John.

Dee Hewson likes to tell the story of how Katie got her name. She was born prematurely, weighing a scant 2 lbs., 8 oz. She was supposed to inherit her grandmother’s name, Katherine Elizabeth. But Dee took one look at her newborn and decided the name was too long for such a tiny infant, and instead retitled her Kathleen, shortened further to Katie.

Dee says the helpless preemie who grew into a confident woman who embraced life wherever she went never stops inspiring laughter and tears from those who knew her.

“No parent should have to lose a child; it’s an exclusive club nobody wants to join,” she says. “But in some ways I have it easy. My child is not coming home in a body bag from a war I don’t believe in; she wasn’t one of the Virginia Tech students. Katie left us with so many tangibles to hold onto.

“I was amazed at how many people came up to me at her funeral and said, ‘Katie was my best friend,'” says Dee. “Katie had a lot of ‘best’ friends. She was a happy person who made people feel good.”

On the heels of last week’s blockbuster trade in which we landed wily veteran Adam Cederbaum, several of Adam’s former classmates from the Class of ’93 have decided to jump ship and become members of The Best Class Ever.

“This bolsters our roster and adds much-needed depth to our rotation,” he said while rolling in a bed of money. “These are players who show up to work day-in and day-out and get the job done. They make us a legit threat and fortunately for us, they bring business savvy, experience and a can-do attitude to our class.”

Pirani – Sometimes called Piranha for his vicious demeanor and razor like incisors.

Because he is so tall, Pirani is expected to hang up posters at future class reunions.

Ben Cranston – A native of Sterling, Cranston was signed for his goatee. This will allow the Class of ’94 to always purchase beer and hard liquor without a driver’s license.

“People forget that facial hair is a form of identification,” Mo Cheeks said. “It says, ‘Hey. Look at me. I am over 21.”

Kristen Mitchell – At 4’3″, she is small and can burrow into holes and fit into cardboard boxes and birthday cakes.

“You can never have too many small people on your team,” Mo Cheeks said. “Sometimes with small people you never see them coming. She adds an element of surprise to our attack.”

Kristen can also fold filo dough and is best friends with a mime.

Eric Chevalier – Eric has seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy 483 times in the past three years. Two years ago he spent four successive weekends watching all three movies without sleeping or eating.

He can repeat each movie verbatim and his Bilbo Baggins impression is spot on. He has gone so far as to grow hair on his feet. This will come in handy during any lulls in future reunions.

Mike George – He has two first names which is sort of cool.

Jamie Farley – Voted one of the Top Five Bullies to ever walk the halls of Wachusett, Farley brings a level of intimidation that our class has never had before.

Farley’s expertise is in shooting spit balls, tripping people, giving noogies and Indian sun burns, putting opponents in headlocks, administering the wet willy, and stuffing people in lockers.

In this last category, Farley holds the all time state record for number of people stuffed into a locker during a career: 78.

Brandon Jolie – Known more for his calves than anything else, BJ is expected to be a force on the dance floor.

“With calves like his, he could probably dance the whole night long,” Mo Cheeks said. “And that my friend is why you have reunions – to dance.”

When BJ is not attending class functions, his calves will be on loan to the Smithsonian.

BJ can also juggle steak knives and has a subscription to Maxim magazine.

Our class president, Mo Cheeks, contacted us today informing us that he was holding a press conference regarding the Barry Bonds home run chase. What you are hearing was taped a few hours ago.

Until now, Mo has not spoken publically about whether he will be attending the record breaking game. You will want to listen to what he has to say – the future of our class rests in his hands.

http://www.gabcast.com/mp3play/mp3player.swf?file=http://www.gabcast.com/casts/10226/episodes/1179536827.mp3&config=http://www.gabcast.com/mp3play/config.php?ini=mini.0.l