THE BEST CLASS EVER

AS PRESIDENT OF THE BEST CLASS EVER, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE ROGUE ELEMENTS THAT ARE TRYING TO SUBVERT THE CLASS OF 1994. I WILL LIST A FEW: THE WACHUSETT CLASS OF 1995, AL QAEDA, JEALOUS PEOPLE, SCOTT STAPP OF THE BAND CREED, K FED, AND WAL-MART.

THE PROOF IS EVERY WHERE. ASK YOURSELF THIS, WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE A 12TH YEAR REUNION? THE ANSWER: TERRORISTS, THE CLASS OF 1995, AND K FED.

BECAUSE WE ARE THE BEST CLASS EVER, WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK. THE VERY FREEDOMS THAT WE SEEK TO PROTECT ARE BEING THREATENED EACH AND EVERY DAY BY SINISTER MILITANT GROUPS.

IT IS SICKENING. EARLIER THIS YEAR, THEY TRIED TO HACK INTO THIS WEBSITE AND SHUT US DOWN. THERE HAVE BEEN ATTACKS ON MY LIFE. THESE PEOPLE WHO CONDEMN US SILENTLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WERE SUCCESSFUL IN ELIMINATING THE RUBBER ROOM FROM THE NEW WACHUSETT HIGH SCHOOL.

THESE ARE NOT JUST RANDOM ATTACKS. THESE ARE PREMEDITATED ACTS OF VIOLENCE. MAYBE LISA CEDERBAUM OR JIMMY SAUNDERS WOULD HAVE ALLOWED OUR CLASS TO BE THREATENED LIKE THIS, BUT UNDER MY WATCH THIS WILL NOT STAND.

LAST WEEK I RAISED THE TERROR ALERT AGAINST OUR CLASS TO ORANGE. THIS IS THE HIGHEST IT HAS EVER BEEN IN OUR LIVES.

MY SECOND ACT WAS TO FIND THE MEANEST BADDEST S.O.B.’S THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI AND MOLD THEM INTO TRAINED ASSASSINS.

AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE SEARCH I FOUND THEM – RICK AND ELAINE ROBERGE – AT THE WONG DYNASTY. THEY SEEMED INNOCENT ENOUGH, BUT WHEN I LOOKED INTO THEIR EYES, I SAW THE PASSION OF A MILLION ACE OF BASE FANS.

MY JOB OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS WAS TO TURN THAT PASSION INTO CONTROLLABLE RAGE. I IMMEDIATELY SENT THEM TO HAITI TO TRAIN UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA, A HAITIAN MAN.

THE ROBERGE’S SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS LEARNING SURVIVAL SKILLS AND NINJA MOVES DEEP IN THE DEPTHS OF HAITI’S RAINFORESTS.

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN THREE WEEKS AGO AT THE END OF THE ROBERGE’S TRAINING. AS YOU CAN SEE RICK (LEFT) AND ELAINE (MIDDLE) ARE NOT JUST READY. THEY ARE WARRIORS.

MANUEL JOSE LOPEZ FERREIRA (ON THE RIGHT) HAS GIVEN ME HIS WORD THAT MR. AND MRS. ROBERGE ARE WORTHY COMPATRIOTS. THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE OUR CLASS IS SAFE.

THEIR WORD IS THEIR BOND.

THEY WILL NOT ONLY ACT AS CHAPERONES DURING ALL CLASS OF 1994 FUNCTIONS, BUT THEY WILL BE OUR BODYGUARDS.

OUR LIFE MAY BE IN THEIR HANDS, BUT REST EASY MY FRIENDS, THEY HAVE THE BEST HANDS, HANDS THAT ARE NOW REGISTERED WEAPONS!

AS YOU CAN SEE LARRY RETTIG LIKES TO SET THE TIME ON HIS ALARM CLOCK. UNFORTUNATELY, LARRY STILL DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS DESPITE BEING A MEMBER OF THE GREATEST CLASS EVER.

LARRY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS BEFORE YOU CHANGED YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER?

LOOK I MADE A MISTAKE. I THOUGHT MY MEMBERSHIP IN THE CLASS OF 1994 GRANTED ME A FREE PASS TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO. EVEN IF IT MEANT CHANGING MY CELL PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

YOU ANSWER TO ME, DUDE.

I KNOW. I KNOW. BELIEVE ME, IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. I JUST THOUGHT THAT AFTER I DESTROYED DANA GRAY IN THE 4O YARD DASH OUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL THAT I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED. NOW I KNOW, BEFORE I DO ANYTHING I NEED TO GO BEFORE THE BOARD OF APPEALS FROM THE CLASS OF 1994.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO THE CLASS WHAT THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS?

YES. THE BOARD OF APPEALS IS A LEADERSHIP COMMITTEE CONSISTING OF YOU, STEVE GROCCIA, REYO MATTHEWS, JASON TESSITORE, SHANNON BERRYHILL, TYLER BRADSHAW, AND DAVID FARABAUGH. THEY HANDLE CASES LIKE MINE. WHEN SOMEONE HAS SCREWED UP ROYALLY LIKE I DID, THE BOARD OF APPEALS BASICALLY RUNS YOUR LIFE. I CHECK IN EVERY HALF HOUR WITH REYO AND LET HIM KNOW WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM DOING.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS NECESSARY?

I LET THE CLASS DOWN. I DIDN’T ASK MY CLASSMATES WHAT THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD DO BEFORE I CHANGED MY CELL PHONE NUMBER. BUT YOU SET ME STRAIGHT. WHAT IF YOU NEEDED TO GET A HOLD OF ME FOR THE NEXT REUNION? YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD YOU MY NEW NUMBER. IT’S JUST STUPID. I WAS DRUNK.

I AM PUTTING YOU ON PROBATION.

WAIT, AM I STILL IN THE CLASS OF 1994?

FOR NOW. DON’T EVER SCREW UP AGAIN.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (BANGING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, CRYING) I SCREWED UP. I SCREWED UP. THINK NEXT TIME, LARRY! THINK. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE. THANK YOU, LORD. GOOD LORD.

GOOD NEWS DEAR FRIENDS!!

WE HAVE JUST SIGNED GEORGE KAZARIAN – YES, MY BROTHER – TO A LONG TERM CONTRACT!! THE WACHUSETT CLASS OF 1989 HAS JUST BEEN DECIMATED. NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER! THE CLASS OF 1989 LEARNED THE HARD WAY: IF YOU RUN WITH THE BULLS, YOU’LL GET THE HORNS.

WHY ANNOUNCE THIS SIGNING NOW? WELL, INITIALLY, LIKE MANY OF YOU, I DID NOT THINK GEORGE WAS A LEGITIMATE ENOUGH THREAT TO BE A MEMBER OF OUR CLASS, BUT WHEN HE CALLED ME LATE LAST NIGHT AND SAID THAT HE WANTED TO FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE, I KNEW HE WAS SERIOUS!!

IF ANYONE QUESTIONS HIS LOYALTY, JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HIM WITH THE PUBLIC ENEMY POSTER. IT’S OBVIOUS THAT GEORGE IS DEDICATED TO SHUTTING ‘EM DOWN!

TWO KAZARIANS ARE INDEED BETTER THAN ONE!! BROTHERS GONNA WORK IT OUT!!!

WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME, GEORGE!

Jesse Fissette with his 15 year old son, Jesse Jr., the newest member of our class. The future looks very bright.

A lot of people have been asking me, how is Nobile? Has he changed? Where is he at? As you know he was not able to make it to the reunion, but he’s still a major contributor to our class. On any given night he can go off like Lebron James and carry our class to the promised land.

And despite his game changing capabilities, he has not let the success go to his head. I had a chance to talk with him about the future of our class and got a picture of him before I left. Ain’t nothing changed. He’s the same old Nobile that he ever was. You don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. A picture says 1,000 words and this one is saying that Nobile is still on top.

T-Money Trevor Johnson wants all the ladies to kiss the cook this holiday season!! T-Money Trevor Johnson wanted to wish everyone in our class a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…. everyone except T-Money Tyler Bradshaw.

Trevor wants everyone to know that he is the real T-Money and wants to prove it at the next reunion. He has challenged Tyler Bradshaw to a nickname match in the squared circle. Trevor Johnson said the only turkey he knows is Tyler Bradshaw!

This past November was historic on many fronts. Our Class has made so much history they should teach classes about us at Wachusett. I am so serious about this I am turning purple right now.

As your Class President I relive the greatest moment of my life in my head every day. That moment was my speech to you in 1993 when I promised to lead our class out of the ashes and into the promised land.

As you know Jimmy Saunders and Lisa Cederbaum were fiscally and socially irresponsible leaders. Our class was on death row. With those clowns in charge we were the laughingstock of the town. It took a lot of work, but I turned us around big time. Now we are the envy of every high school class in the world.

2005 has been such a momentous one it is not even funny. This past November I had a chance to continue our success when I attended the Wedding Of The Year, that of PATRICK AND LIANE TINSLEY!

This wedding was fortuitous on many, many fronts. I was able to firm up commitments from the Seven Tinsley Brothers. Known as The Seven Wonders of The World, these brothers have turned our class into a true dynasty.

Our future is locked up for 2020 and beyond. We are so loaded with talent that I can afford to take a year or two off in Jamaica and live the high life, Ricky Williams style.

You voted me your President because I am an amazing leader and an amazing recruiter. Some of the Tinsleys said “Show Me The Money.” Damn right I did.

With other Tinsleys I used big words like “championship” and “blitzkrieg.” They didn’t know what hit them.

And finally there was Dan The Man Tinsley (T-2). He did not want to let his class go. After opening up my check book and buying him about eight mojitos, he was singing a different tune. I tell you right now that Dan Tinsley is Phi Slamma Jamma. Summa Cum Laude. Believe me when I say that he will be starting immediately.

Without further a due, I present to you the Seven Wonders Of The World and newest members of our class: Dan, Michael, David, Sean, Christopher, Matt and King Pat Tinsley.

‘NUFF RESPECT

I recently had a chance to sit down with Reunion King, David “JOOONES” Laidlaw, and talk about The Class of 1994, politics and how his life has changed since the 10th Year Reunion. The following is a brief Q & A held with JOOONES.

CHICO: So things have been pretty crazy since the reunion.

JONES: Tell me about it. It’s been non stop, dude. I’ve been flying all over the world, meeting with world leaders, chatting online with babes all day, you name it. As you know St. Ides came out with a promotional 40 oz. for me. They had my face on the bottle with my favorite saying, “Shit Hits Hard” underneath. I did some judging at some ghetto booty contests for them. That was pretty cool. I love ghetto booty. I don’t have time to think anymore. I was guest judge at the National Bass Masters Tourney on Lake Champlain. That was a major highlight. I waved the checkered flag at Loudon last month. Everywhere I go, people are asking me for autographs, pictures, it doesn’t stop. But if you ask me, would I want to do it all over again… would I do everything the same? I would have to say “Hell yeah”, Stone Cold Steve Austin style.

CHICO: There’s been talks about assasination attempts on my life. How would you react to this?

JONES: [NODDING, HOLDING BACK TEARS] I heard about this. Look, you’re a president. You’re a leader. With great power comes great responsibility. I called Doug [DAVE’S BROTHER] when I heard about the assassination attempts on your life. I told him if they were to assassinate you, if this criminal element were successful, that I would head to Holden immediately. I would take the oath of office and assume command.

CHICO: Thank you. That means a lot.

JONES: No, our class, if we are to continue to be the best class ever… well, we would need a strong leader. When my peers voted me the Reunion King, I realized that I needed to earn the right to be called a king. I had to prove myself. Now when I bleed, I bleed Wachusett green. Everyday, brother.

CHICO: That’s deep.

JONES: Here take these [JONES HANDS ME SEVERAL PAPERS]. This is a contingency plan. If these cowards are successful and they assassinate you, I am prepared. What’s the saying, yes, yes, yes… forewarned is forearmed. I have detailed plans, an outline for my first two years of office. I also have a short list for people in my cabinet. I think the biggest thing in all of this, god forbid, would be to start funding for a memorial statue of you and Fred outside of the rubber room. Man, I love that room. I mean it was all rubber. When you fell on the floor you bounced back up. It was rubber.

CHICO: Yeah, I get it.

JONES: No, no… hey let’s run some drills.

CHICO: Okay. [AT THIS POINT IN THE INTERVIEW, JONES AND I HEADED OUTSIDE. HE BROUGHT HIS CROSSBOW AND SHOWED ME HOW EASILY I COULD BE ASSASSINATED – SEE PICTURE]

JONES: I think people have to see this picture. Even though it is so bloody, so gruesome, it needs to be seen. It is harsh, but our classmates, they have to see the reality of their President, their Chico being assassinated. This is what they would do. These scums would hold your head like a piece of meat. They would have you stuffed. A taxidermist would jump at the chance to work on your body. I want my classmates to see this and remember what an English poet once wrote, “Treason doth never prosper. What’s the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason.” To all my classmates… I urge you to never forget your dying king Chico.

[JONES GETS UP AND EXITS]

Everyone wants to know, since the reunion, has Steve Coyle been PUMPING UP THE JAM? I think Coyle has answered that question himself. The JAM HAS TRULY BEEN PUMPED!